Seven years. So many have already playfully asked “well, do you have the seven-year itch, yet?” To be totally honest, I'm not sure if we've had it yet or not. But we certainly are no strangers to conflict.
There’s a saying in the therapy world “the only way through the pain, is through the pain.” I tell my clients this all the time. If you want it to get better, let’s hit it head on.
I must admit, it’s much easier to say this to other people than to practice it myself.
Two years ago on our anniversary, Alec and I had the most painful therapy session that we could or would have, in our short time together. And when it ended we wouldn’t see or speak to each other for two weeks. Initially, there was no intention on having such a “heart-to-heart” on our fifth anniversary, but as luck would have it, that’s what happened.
After our session, I felt a surge of emotions. The co-dependent part of me wanted so badly to pick up the phone and resolve all the issues that came up in that session. I desperately wanted Alec to feel my pain, without feeling pain. But that’s not at all possible and the moments we rescue each other from pain, are the moments we stunt one another’s growth. We both were forced to sit in a really uncomfortable place.
I listened to Vance Joy's "Best That I Can" on repeat that day. The words resonated in a deep, deep place. I kept wondering “how did we get to this place in our marriage” and seriously wondered if we would fully recover.
We are polar opposites. He’s a risk-taker in every sense of the word, and I like to have a lot of fun, in the safest way possible. Early on in our relationship, the opposite of me seemed so intriguing. But that intrigue turned sour not long after we were married. A “you do you, as long as it doesn’t encroach on me being me,” kinda thing appeared. An unspoken tension surfaced, we couldn’t find the balance of honoring ourselves while simultaneously honoring the other person.
So like any good dysfunctional relationship, we fought, and often times the fight was self-seeking and one-sided. Which resulted in word wounds and both of us feeling shame for how we had just talked to each other. Sure we apologized (primarily to resolve our own shame, which by the way is also self-seeking), but we never really circled back to the core issue, because who has energy for that? So of course, it would eventually re-surface. A vicious cycle.
This may sound funny, but I am a strong advocate for fighting. But ya gotta know how to fight well.
People fight to win. I was fighting to win what I wanted and Alec was fighting to win what he wanted. I have a feeling we would have both been losers if we hadn’t changed we way we fought.
Fun fact: did you know that when someone challenges a deeply held belief, instead of the “rational” centers of the brain activating, “emotional” centers of the brain activate. I believe that’s why we have an immediate emotional propensity to defensiveness rather than logically becoming curious about the opposing held belief. Now imagine how that can play out in marriages.
Anyways, it’s taken a lot of deep breathing, some time-outs, including going to bed angry at times (cause honestly nothing good can come from a sleepy or hungry Holleigh), A LOT of introspection/inward curiosity, and when necessary, some firm boundaries.
Most importantly, we aren’t scared of vulnerability anymore. I try not to default to passive-aggressiveness or silent treatment. Instead, I try to swallow my pride to say “hey, when ____ happens, it makes me feel____.” Thankfully, Alec tries to listen. Vulnerability is tough, but it is so much more productive than pent up emotions or a screaming match.
So here we are two years later, on year seven. I’ve been listening to Vance Joy's “Best That I Can,” on repeat today, amazed that somehow we "got to this place in our marriage.” Because today, I can honestly say I love and respect Alec more than ever. We are learning how to be true to ourselves (which helps to mitigate potential resentment), while also learning the art of compromise.
We are still polar opposites, and at the core of us we want, what we want, when we want it. We still don’t understand the other, at times, but we are learning how to take a step back, re-evaluate our goal and fiercely fight well.
So to celebrate the "7-year itch," here’s a few of the top things I NOW love about Alec.
I love how it takes him a while to respond, initially it annoyed me. But I know now he’s processing, and the longer he steeps, the more meaningful the response.
I love how adaptable he is. I hate change. He is completely un-phased by it. He doesn’t fully understand why change can effect me like it does, but he’s really good at grounding me back to reality.
I love that he is a risk-taker. Don't get me wrong, I like a good thrill, but this guy lives his life on the edge! He's always trying to push me out of my comfort zone. And I would've never learned to ride my bike down stairs if he hadn’t of pushed me (not literally, just verbally).
I love that he is detail-oriented. It used to DRIVE ME CRAZY! I’m a let’s get the job done gal, he’s perfectionistic and it takes forever to get something done. I can chill out knowing that whatever the project is, it will be amazing because of his attention to detail.
If something is really, really, really important to him, he will not back down. I can be a bit of a bull-dozer when it comes to something I believe (remember that whole emotional fun fact earlier), but Alec stands his ground. Often times I need that.
And most of all, and this will sound sappy and cheesy, but I love how Alec loves me. I don’t know that I believe we were born with this innate sense of knowing how to love each other...but he chooses to learn about me and what I need and it makes all the difference for us.
